5 REASONS MARRIAGE IS YOUR FUTURE

Starting today, National Marriage Week USA kicks off 7 days of raising public support and awareness to strengthen married husbands and wives everywhere. But why should you care about marriages – especially other peoples’ marriages? We all want to live in stable, growing, safe communities where freedom can flourish and the well-being of children is protected, right?

It so happens that strong marriages lead to strong families, which in turn create those ideal communities.

Marriage adds value to society in ways that no other relationship does. Here’s just a few ways that marriage is good for you:

1. Marriage improves the economy. If you’re married, your children are 82% less likely to live in poverty, 20% more likely to finish college, and even have an average of 10 point higher IQs than children with unmarried parents. These well-educated and well-adjusted kids help the economy stay above the replacement level, meaning we’ll have sufficient numbers of workers to provide pensions and medical care for the elderly (us, before too long). Falling below the replacement level results in the need for higher tax rates or increased immigration.

2. Marriage makes communities safer. If the next generation has married mom and dads, they’ll be less than half as likely to commit a crime, compared to their peers without married parents. If dads stay in the picture, crime rates will drop dramatically: 60% of America’s rapists, 70% of America’s long term prison inmates, and 72% of America’s adolescent murderers are from fatherless homes.

3. Married people live longer. According to the Journal of Marriage and the Family, “A 1990 review of research found that married people also have better physical health, while the unmarried have significantly higher rates of mortality—about 50 percent higher for women and 250 percent higher for men.” Healthy people are good for our society, hence the push from the government to eliminate trans fats and get people to exercise. The government understands that too many unhealthy people creates a cost crisis for healthcare.

4. Married people are happier. According to the study from the Journal of Marriage and the Family, “Cohabitation versus Marriage: A Comparison of Relationship Quality,” and the Journal of Family Issues “Marital Status Continuity and Change Among Young and Midlife Adults,” married couples have better relationships, more happiness, better emotional health, and less depression than cohabiting couples. Happy people are easier to work for, work with, vote for, stand in line for coffee behind, and live next door to.

5. Marriages protect those most vulnerable in society. Marriage protects children better than any other romantic relationship, or government institution. Children with married moms and dads are 11 times less likely to be physically, sexually, and emotionally abused than when living with their mother and her boyfriend, and 45 times less likely to be killed than children living with their mother’s boyfriends.

Without strong marriages, our culture, our communities and our future all suffer.

So whether you’re married or not – whether you have children or not- the marriages of those around you contribute to the society in which you live. They’re improving the economy and raising upstanding citizens. Since they’re healthier and happier, they’re great coworkers, bosses, and community members. Most importantly, they’re providing a safe, nurturing atmosphere while raising the next generation, and creating a better future for all of us. That is what we are working for. That is why Alliance Defending Freedom is in the business of rebuilding marriage as an institution, and strengthening individual marriages nationwide. Because more married moms and dads are the futur

UNDERSTAND WHAT THE MARRIEGE IS

•MARRIAGE IS A COVENANT BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN TO LIVE AS A HUSBAND AND A WIFE THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

•THIS COVENANT CAN BE ENTERED INTO EITHER IN A CIVIL OFFICE[DC’S OFFICE], IN THE CHURCH OR IN A TRADITIONAL SETTING.


•BUT FOR US CHRISTIANS THIS COVENANT SHOULD BE SOLEMNIZED IN THE CHURCH BECAUSE OF THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

•MARRIAGE IS OF GOD. IT IS HIM WHO CREATED A MAN AND A WOMAN AND JOINED TH FIRST MARRIAGE. GEN 1:26-27, 2:22-24, MT 19:3-6

•GOD GAVE HIS CHURCH ALL POWER TO CARRY OUT HIS WILL AND PLAN ACCORDING TO HIS WORD. MT 16:18-19, JOHN 20:22, EPHE 3:10. MARRIAGE IS A PART OF GOD’S WILL.


•IT IS ONLY THE CHURCH THAT KNOWS THE ORIGIN AND THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE.


•IT IS THE CHURCH THAT CAN TRULY TEACH HUSBANDS AND WIVES ON THE RIGHT WAY TO LIVE IN MARRIAG RELATIONSHIP. EPHE 5:21-6:9.


•WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED? WE HAVE THREE MAIN REASONS FOR MARRIAGE.

•1. FOR REPRODUCTION-PROPAGATION OF THE HUMAN RACE. GEN 1:28



•2. FOR COMPANIONSHIP-GEN 2:18.

•3. FOR PHYSICAL [SEXUAL] RELATIONSHIP, 1CORN 7:1-5.

•EVEN THOUGH THE BIBLE MENTIONS CHILD BEARING AS ONE OF THE CHIEF REASONS FOR MARRIAGE, THERE ARE MANY MARRIED COUPLES WHO DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. WHY?

•WHEN GOD BLESSED PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO INCREASE AND MULTIPLY, THERE WAS NO SIN. THE BODIES OF BOTH THE HUSBAND AND THE WIFE WERE GOOD, FERTILE AND ABLE TO BEAR CHILDREN. GEN 1:30. BUT WHEN SIN ENTERED INTO THE WORLD, THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM IN BOTH MEN AND WOMEN WERE AFFECTED.


•BELOW ARE SOME OF THE CAUSES OF CHILDLESSNESS IN MARRIAGES TO BOTH MEN AND WOMEN. FIRST LET US LOOK AT WOMEN.



•WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE CAUSES OF CHILDLESSNESS TO WOMEN? WHY DO MARRIED LADIES FAIL TO GET CHILDREN. SOME OF THE REASONS ARE

1. BARRENNESS. THE WOMAN IS BARREN FROM CHILDHOOD. BIBLICAL EXAMPLES ARE, SARAH THE WIFE OF ABRAHAM, GEN 11:30 ELIZABETH THE WIFE OF ZECHARIA, LUKA, 1:7



•2. THE LORD CLOSING THE WOMB OF A WOMAN LIKE HE CLOSED THAT OF RACHEL FOR SOME TIME, GEN 30:22
3. SICKNESS. MOST OF THE SICKNESSES THAT PREVENT WOMEN FROM HAVING CHILDREN ARE AS A RESULT OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT BEFORE MARRIAGE, OR EVEN IN MARRIAGE BUT OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE PARTNER


•4. ABORTION. LADIES WHO CONCEIVE AT HOME BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED ABORT TO AVOID HAVING A CHILD. THIS MAY MAKE THEM BARREN FOR LIFE.






•5.USING FAMILY PLANNING METHODS BEFORE BEARING CHILDREN. SOME OF THESE METHODS SUCH AS PILLS, OR OTHER ARTIFICIAL[MEDICAL] METHODS MAY BE DANGEROUS TO LADIES WHO HAVE NOT GIVEN BIRTH




6. USING DRUGS. WOMEN WHO USE DRUGS MAY HAVE PROBLEMS IN CONCEPTION. SO THEY MAY NOT HAVE CHILDREN


7. PROMISCUITY. HAVING MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS MAY ALSO AFFECT THE CONCEPTION ABILITY OF A WOMAN


THERE ARE THREE MAIN REASONS WHY A MAN CANNOT FATHER A CHILD. THESE ARE







•1. TOTAL IMPOTENCE. HERE THE MAN IS BORN WITHOUT ABILITY TO HAVE ERECTION FOR MANY REASONS. MAT 19:12





•2. PARTIAL IMPOTENCE HERE, THE MAN CAN RELATE TO HIS WIFE VWERY WELL SEXUALLY, BUT THE WIFE CANNOT CONCEIVE. HIS SEMEN DOES NOT HAVE SEED[SPERM] THIS IS CALLED LOW SPERM COUNT.







•3. USE OF DRUGS. SOME DRUGS ARE DANGEROUS TO THE MANUFACTURE OF SEMEN. THEY PREVENT THE FORMATION OF OR WEAKEN THE SPERMS OF A MAN. THEREFORE THE MAN MAY NOT FATHER A CHILD.











•ONE THING WE MUST ALL KNOW, CHILDREN ARE AGIFT FROM GOD. GEN 33:5. PSALM 127:3. A MAN OR A WOMAN CAN BE PHYSICAALY FIT, AND AVOID ALL WE HAVE MENTIONED AS BAD THINGS, AND YET FAIL TO GET CHILDREN.



•ONE THING WE ALL MUST DO, IS TO COMMIT OUR LIVES TO GOD. WE MUST SURRENDER OUR WILL AND PLANS TO HIM SO THA HE CAN GIVE US THE BEST HE HAS FOR US HERE ON EARTH. PRO 16:3,PSALM 55:22





•HAVE YOU COMMITTED YOUR LIFE TO GOD? IF SO YOUR MARRIAGE PLANS AND FAMILY MATTERS WILL BE UNDER HIS LEADERSHIP. BUT IF NOT I INVITE YOU TO CONSIDER YOUR WAYS. YOU ARE NOT WHAT GOD MEANT YOU TO BE. GOD IS ALL YOU NEED. READ DAN 5:23

5 Common Causes for Discord in a Marriage

Factors That Help Determine Whether a Couple is Heading for Divorce

To determine whether a couple is heading for divorce, I look for the following five things. The first thing is: do you fantasize a lot about life without your spouse? The second thing is, are you having sex? If you're not having sex, there's no intimacy in your relationship. The third thing is do the costs exceed the benefits of a relationship? The fourth thing is, do you have a hard time tolerating your spouse? Have you lost the capacity to empathize with them or feel compassion for them? And the fifth thing is, do you feel like you're the only one who is trying to solve the problAem?
Are You Fantasizing About Life Without Your Spouse?

It's perfectly normal for all of us to think about life without our spouses. But if you're spending a significant amount of time fantasizing about it, and you're using that to make yourself feel better a majority of the time, then that's a sign that your marriage is in trouble.
Are You Being Intimate?

If you're not having sex in your relationship, that's another sign. Intimacy is very important to a relationship, and sex brings intimacy and trust to a relationship. If a relationship no longer has trust, vulnerability or intimacy in it, then a relationship is heading for divorce.
Do the Costs of Marriage Exceed the Benefits?

Do the costs of a marriage exceed the benefits? Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle, and list out the costs of the marriage, and then list out the benefits. If the list of costs exceeds the lists of benefits, then your marriage is heading for trouble.
Is There Compassion?

Another thing we need to look for is one spouse is having a hard time being compassionate toward another. Compassion is what makes us closer to another person, and what makes us able to be there for another person. If your relationship is in a such state that you no longer have compassion for your spouse, for their struggles in life, for their stresses, for the pain they experience, then it's critically urgent that you get help for your relationship, because it's definitely heading towards trouble.
Do You Feel Like You're the Only One Trying?

If you feel like you're the only one who is trying to solve the problems in your relationship, then your marriage is heading for a divorce. In working on a relationship, both parties need to be present, and both parties need to participate in finding a solution. If you constantly feel like you're going toward a well that's empty and dry, your relationship is going to end up in divorce, because you need that compassion, you need that collaboration with a spouse to move forward with your relationship in a healthy constructive way.

So in closing I want you to remember that just because you have some of these things in your relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to get divorced, it's signs indicating that you're heading towards a divorce.

Heads up husbands … 5 ways to ignite your wife’s passions

There are countless articles and websites filled with information on how to overcome sexual issues. There are techniques, tips and advice to be found from all manner of sources.

So what is it about sex that we struggle with so much?

And why does it always seem as if everyone else is having better sex?

The truth is, they’re probably not. They’re likely grappling with the same sexual issues as you.

Those who are truly experiencing better sex are typically further along in years, or further along in their relationship.

So take heart. Relax. There’s plenty of time to get there. But sexual satisfaction won’t happen by chance. There’s work to be done.

It’s amazing to me that sex can create such incredible emotional connections and orgasmic ecstasy, while at the same time it can just as easily create profound isolation, loneliness and shame.

It all boils down to this: sex is much more than an act. It’s a metaphor. How you do sex says a lot about how you do life, and how you do life says a lot about how you do sex.

I’m going to address the fellas in this post, so heads up.

Many married men timidly approach sex with their wives. From initiation to the actual sex act, men often fall victim to the “do what worked last time” philosophy.

They look and hope for ways to have sex with their wives without bringing up the subject, or they go through their day trying not to upset her out of fear she won’t want to have sex later. The problem with this is that they’re not really taking charge of their life, or of their relationship.

Let’s start with what turns a woman on. Ironically, when it comes to what turns a woman on, it’s the opposite of what most men think. The biggest mistake men make is in believing that women like the same things they do. Sorry fellas, but reaching over in the morning and grabbing a breast—while it may be a fairly clear signal to you—is usually not a way to ignite her passion; nor is it foreplay.

How a woman feels when she is with a man is the primary factor in whether or not she experiences attraction and sexual desire. And what she wants to feel is trust.

For the majority of women: trust = lust. If your wife seems to have lost interest in having sex with you, my guess is that you haven’t given her a reason to trust you, or that you’ve killed whatever trust she once had.

So how do you develop and maintain a high degree of trust in marriage? Basically, through your strength, your presence, your confidence and your integrity.
Your strength. There’s a reason males are considered the stronger of the two genders. A man is often expected to provide protection, support and physical power. He’s expected to work hard, sweat, do the heavy lifting and to stick to it when times get tough. Play to these masculine strengths.
Your presence. Your wife’s willingness to have sex is deeply dependent upon this. If you are 100 percent present when you are with her (even if your time together is limited), she will be satisfied. On a side note, I believe that 100 percent of your sexual energy should be focused within the relationship. Spending any percentage of it elsewhere leads down the slippery slope to breaking your partner’s trust.
Your confidence. Because women are by nature security-seeking creatures, a man’s confidence can be a major turn-on. When a man approaches a woman with confidence, she experiences the same chemical reaction in her brain (a release of both dopamine and norepinephrine) that a man experiences when a woman lifts up her shirt and shows him her breasts. And by “confidence,” I don’t mean “machismo.” I’m referring to the type of man who knows who he is (and who he isn’t). At the other end of the spectrum, men who are anxious, passive and eager to please exude anything but confidence. Looking for a surefire way to kill the passion in your marriage? Become the passive, conflict-avoiding, eager-to-please nice guy who only wants to make his wife “happy.”
Your integrity. The ability to consistently act with integrity is crucial in maintaining a deep sexual bond with your wife. This means that you always tell the truth, keep your word, follow through and have good boundaries.

Bonus point: 5. Have a plan. This isn’t about controlling a woman; it’s about giving her a choice. One of the worst things you can do is come home in the evening and ask, “What do you want to do tonight?” Instead, walk in the door and say, “Be dressed and ready to go to dinner by 7.” Give her the option of either following your lead or proposing an alternative. Don’t leave everything up to her. This same principle applies to the bedroom as well.

As a man, when you are present and share your mind, heart, humor, intellect, imagination, words, strength and even your dark side with your wife, you open her up to the fullness of your being. As she joins you in this state of openness, and opens herself up to you, she will take you places you can’t take yourself.

How To Keep Arguments From Escalating

Do you remember what it was like as a teenager to dream about driving? How much you looked forward to the day you’d have your own wheels and could head out whenever you wanted?

While learning to drive, one important lesson you must learn is how to stop the car.

It’s the first thing you’re taught. Remember the driver’s ed cars that have an extra brake pedal on the passenger’s side?

The reason – learning to apply the brakes is vitally important to all those in the car, and around the car.

Putting on the brakes is an important skill in marriage and relationships as well.

When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot or you find you’re both in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, you can often prevent a disaster if you know how to stop.

Marriage researcher John Gottman calls these brakes – repair attempts.

And they’re the secret weapon of happy couples.

Marriages that are built on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of the problems in marriage are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well, are the secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand.

Two key factors in determining whether repair attempts are successful:
The current state of the relationship.
The ability of the attempt to get through to your partner.

Let me give you an example.

Steve and Michelle are in a heated discussion about an upcoming family move. They see eye to eye on where they want to live, how to set up the house (mostly), and where to put the kids in school. They are drawing the battle lines over the set up of the family room. Michelle thinks they should use their current TV and stereo system while Steve wants to jump at the chance of upgrading to the system he’s had his eye on for some time now. It’s not extravagant and they have the money from the sale of their current home. The more they talk, the louder it gets.

A passer-by, if they overheard the argument, may think they have no hope of a lasting marriage. Then all of the sudden, Michelle puts her hands on her hips in perfect imitation of their 4 year old daughter, and proceeds to stick out her tongue. Since Steve knows she’s about to do this, he beats her to it by sticking out his tongue first. They both start laughing. This silliness defuses the tension between them.

Repair attempts are any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control.

When a couple has a solid foundation together and a good friendship with each other, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly receiving those sent their way. If a couple is negatively locked down with each other, even a blatant repair attempt of “Hey, I’m sorry” will have trouble getting through.

What determines the success of repair attempts is the strength of the marital friendship.

Everyone has room to grow and improve when it comes to strengthening the state of the marital friendship. This is not as easy as simply being “friendly” or “nice.” It involves your own personal growth and emotional maturity, as well as your spouse’s (although they’re responsible for themselves in this area).

You can begin by learning to recognize the repair attempts as they happen between you. Sometimes these attempts are missed because they don’t come sugarcoated. A heated “Why are you changing the subject” or “Can’t we discuss this later” is still a repair attempt and is often overlooked.

One of the best strategies to begin with is to make your attempts obvious and formal. Statements like “this is getting out of hand, can we discuss this later” or “can I take that last statement back, I’m sorry” can go a long way in smoothing the waters between you. You could even go as obvious as “Hey, what follows is a repair attempt.”

If you’re on the receiving end of a repair attempt, your job is to simply try and accept it. Confront you own anxieties and tension from the discussion and plan to come together to discuss more at a later time.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Sex is an important aspect of most every marriage. Your sexuality plays a major role in life. It influences how you dress, act, and interact with others around you. It’s everywhere.

Stand in line at your local grocery store and see if you can avoid seeing the word sex on a magazine cover. You’ll likely see it several times.

Talking about sex however, is possibly one of the more difficult conversations in life. Did you realize that for many people, it’s easier to talk about sex with friends than it is with your sexual partner? Why is that?

It’s tied to the anxiety these intimate subjects and acts create.

Do you remember how nervous you were during your first sexual encounter? Filled with uncertainty, the exploration of the unknown, being vulnerable with someone else, sharing new parts of yourself with another person.

After a while, the nervousness subsides, confidence increases, but routine takes over. If you’re honest, you probably have a set amount of sex routines. It’s always Sunday afternoon, must be in the dark, they do me then I do them.

I’m sure there are times when the routine is altered and the playbook is thrown out the window, but it’s likely that the new plays designed will simply replace some of the older ones.

There is nothing wrong with playbook sex, especially when both of you enjoy it. But what happens when one of you wants to alter the plays a bit?

It’s usually hard to bring up intimate subjects with those you care about. There’s a lot of risk involved with these conversations. Just because the topic is intimate and the person is someone you love, don’t back down from bringing up the things that are important to you.

When it comes to talking with your spouse about sex, here’s a few things to keep in mind.
Timing is key. It’s not a good idea to bring up the subject of sex while having sex (this is different than a follow the connection talking which enhances the experience). If you want to discuss some unresolved aspect of your sexual relationship or a disappointment or frustration, during sex is not a good time for the discussion. Both of you will likely be less open and objective about the conversation. It’s also not a good idea to bring up touchy subjects at bedtime.
Be honest. If you are going to address this subject, be upfront and honest. This may seem like common sense but there are many people who resort to code words or only bring things up half-way.
Avoid placing blame and attacking. It’s easy to address this topic with statements like “Why do you always want to …” or “You always seem to initiate when I’m…” Anytime a person feels attacked they’ll respond defensively, it’s part of our survival nature. During personal discussions, take care of yourself. Talk about your experience, your thoughts, your feelings. While this will still impact your partner and may possibly hurt a bit, it increases the chances that you will be heard.
Ask questions. Seek to hear their side of things, be clear on their perspective. This is especially good advice if you have a spouse who’s reluctant to have this conversation.
Listen intently throughout the conversation. Slowing down to really listen can help keep the conversation calm, not less emotionally charge. But the less reactive you are, the more likely a good resolution will result.
Fill the conversation with respect. Avoid talking down to your spouse and assuming they know what you’re thinking. Also avoid interrupting them while they’re speaking.

As the conversation proceeds, you should also examine and discuss these sexual styles (everyone has these styles or moods at some point):
Spiritual – The union of the mind, body and soul during sexual encounters together. This connection comes from your deep appreciation of being with each other and is created by being more aware of the little moments in your life.
Lusty – The flirty and wicked looks at one another, the quickies, and the pleasure of having sex simply for the sex.
Tender – The gentle, romantic, affectionate touch that involves massages, light touches, and catering to one another.
Funny – Teasing and laughing with each other in bed. Having fun with one another.
Angry – This is making love even when you’re ticked off at each other (yes it is possible). This can be reparative and healing, provided the issues you’re angry about are still addressed.
Fantasy - This probably needs little explanation. It’s the style of collaboration between the two of you – to create a bit of daring and experimentation. Could be role play, new positions, or risky locations.

We are designed as sexual beings, but don’t forget that one of the most sexual parts of our design – is our mind.

10 ESSENTIAL FOR GOOD RELATIONSHIP

1. Respect for both partners (and their genders).


If you respect your partner, you respect them when they get a little too drunk at a Christmas party. You respect them when they are naked. You respect them when they are crying. You respect them when they don’t look their best. You respect them when they are talking loudly or acting silly or being gross. You do these things because they are a person with flaws and strange habits and imperfections. You don’t get to have lines drawn in the sand about the way they can act, as long as their behavior is benign. The only way you don’t respect them is if they do mean or harmful things, in which case you hold them to the same standards you hold every human being. Because the second you start saying things like “man up” or “ladies don’t…” or “if you were a real [insert gender here]” is the second you should look into dating a Real Doll.

2. Genuine attraction.


All you need to do is date someone once who lets you know, either subtly or in graphic detail, that they do not think you are either a) attractive enough for them personally, or b) attractive enough to present in public, to know that that shit is terrible and should not be pushed on anyone. I am not saying we cannot be attracted to people for reasons other than the physical, but if you straight up do not feel turned on by your partner or do not feel that they are good enough for you in terms of appearance (even if that makes you kind of a dick), do them a favor and don’t date them. No one wants to feel like they’re constantly batting out of their league.

3. Similar ideas about money.


Is there anything that can more messily implode a couple from within than having money problems? If you two are not on a similar track when it comes to how you handle your finances, what your financial goals are, and what you both expect to contribute to the relationship, I can almost guarantee you’re in for at least a few nights of screaming at each other whilst throwing IKEA’s entire flatware catalogue at the wall. The fact is that some people are going to want to spend more, others want to save, and some people are going to be uncomfortable with a huge disparity in income. That’s just human nature. (Did we learn nothing from the monstrosity that was Jack Berger and Carrie? Come on, people.)

4. Corresponding goals for the future.


If someone tells you they don’t want marriage and kids, and that they aren’t going to change their mind, please do everyone a favor and listen to them. Please. There is no ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A to type in while they’re sleeping and magically change their mind. Let’s all nip this shit collectively in the bud, okay? Because there is nothing wrong with someone not wanting the same thing as you, there is only something wrong with trying to force someone to change once they’re already in love with you.

5. An understanding that cheating can be emotional as well as physical.


Spoiler alert: You don’t actually have to touch genitals to have cheated on someone and/or betrayed their trust. If you are having deep, personal, romantic conversations with someone behind your partner’s back, if you are still harboring feelings for someone else, if you are seriously considering other possibilities while still completely attached to your current flame — you are being an asshole and should stop it. It’s insane how many people don’t acknowledge the myriad ways that someone can be cheated on that don’t actually involve sex. Do you really think that your partner finding out that you’ve been exchanging passionate emails with an ex is going to be that much less destructive than having slept with someone else? I mean, in many cases, knowing that there were actual feelings involved make it all the worse, as it can’t just be brushed off as a drunken mistake. Let’s at least provide each other the decency of breaking up with our partners before engaging in Nicholas Sparks-esque gchats with the cute girl from work.

6. Friends and family who are at least decent human beings.


No one is asking that your new SO’s parents be multimillionaires who enjoy championing human rights around the world and having hilarious conversations over long cocktail hours in their mahogany study, but they should at least not be judgmental assholes. And their friends should live up to a similar standard of “not making you feel like someone’s Debbie Downer mother who crashed the party every time you get within 10 feet of them.” No one is forced to like their friend or relative’s new partner, but they are required to treat them like good people who are deserving of a minimum of respect and kindness until proven otherwise. And if nights with your potential in-laws mostly consist of bigoted, passive-aggressive lines of questioning and under-seasoned food, it’s likely not going uphill from there.

7. An earnest desire to be in a long-term commitment.


Yeah, no matter how much romantic comedies are trying to tell us that our only job in life is to wear down that cold-hearted-yet-super-hot guy at the coffee shop until he magically decides he wants a serious relationship, that is just never a good idea. If someone is telling you from the get-go that they are not into commitment, and that they do like you but just don’t want to be tied down, perhaps it is because they actually feel that way and aren’t speaking in some magic code that you have to decipher with your Little Orphan Annie decoder ring. Even if you do manage to taser them long enough to sit still for a decent-length relationship, are you really winning anything? You know that they are not happy with it, and you will have no reason to be surprised if they one day up and leave. It’s probably best to just avoid them as a whole, or let them come to you when they’ve decided otherwise.

8. The exact same taste in entertainment as you.


Sike sike sike SUPERSIKE. It is actually really weird when people are legitimately like, “I could never date someone who has shitty taste in music.” First of all, who the hell is to say that what you deem as “shitty” is some universal litmus test for “interesting or worth respecting?” Like I am supposed to be an inherently unlovable human being with nothing to offer the world — let alone a romantic partner — simply because I listen to the occasional Hanson or Mandy Moore record? You can get out of my airspace, pop culture elitists, and you can take your Radiohead masturbation jams with you.

9. A history of respecting exes on both sides.


As much as we might want our new significant other to go on an unbridled trash talking spree about their ex the second we get with them, it probably doesn’t reflect well on anyone to be super bitter or petty over someone who is no longer in their life. Even if an ex hurt your new boo, harping on it for extended periods of time and going out of their way to say and do nasty things towards them only shows that your current flame is either a) hung up on them still or b) a vicious person who will likely do that to anyone post-breakup. I mean, there was a point at which all of these sweet nothings being whispered in your ear were directed towards the ex who is now getting dragged through the mud by an SUV covered with knives. What do you think will happen to you when it’s your turn?

10. Honesty.


It sounds so obvious: We should be honest and forthright with people we claim to love. Like, of course. But it’s funny how much we forget that honesty extends to every part of our life with someone — it’s not just “I don’t cheat on them and we’re cool.” Lies of omission count as lies. Not being up-front about the things we want from the beginning count as lies. Deciding that there is only a certain amount of yourself you are willing to show to the other person, or facets of your personality you deem acceptable to expose, is setting yourself up for an inevitable failure (or at least huge problems). Part of being able to trust someone is knowing that, even if the question is uncomfortable, you’re going to get a legitimate answer. And if there are parts of your life you are not willing to be real about if put on the spot, perhaps you should consider your desire to “share” your life in the first place.

Three ways to handle an unhappy marriage

Problems in marriage are inevitable. Even chronic.

And so, at times, is unhappiness.

After studying 645 couples where one spouse rated their marriage as unhappy, a research study from a team of family scholars found that 2/3s of the couples who chose to stick it out together reported a significantly happier marriage five years later.

So what makes the difference if you choose not to divorce?

The marriages that got happier fell into three broad approaches: the marital work ethic, the marital endurance ethic, and the personal happiness epic.
In the marital work ethic, spouses actively work to solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem is solved, the marriage gets happier. Strategies for improving marriages range from arranging dates or other ways to spend more time together, to enlisting the help and advice of relatives or in-laws, consulting clergy or secular counselors, or even threatening divorce and consulting divorce attorneys.
In the marital endurance ethic, by contrast, spouses don’t solve problems with concerted action on the part of either spouse. Stated another way, you don’t “work” on an unhappy marriage; instead, you endure it. “Just keep putting one foot in front of the other” because with the passage of time, things get better. Job situations improve, children get older or better, or chronic ongoing problems get put into new perspective.
Finally, in the personal happiness epic, marriage problems don’t seem to change that much. Instead, you find alternative ways to improve your own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage. This often contains elements of both the marital work ethic and the marital endurance ethic approaches as well.
Marriage as a Shared Story

Creating a happy marriage depends on more than just your interactions with your spouse, it also depends on how you view marriage in general.

Marriage is not just the sum of the personal interactions that you find either satisfying or distressing. Marriage is a social status and a shared ideal — a story you have about your own life, your family, your spouse, and your love.

The attitudes and values that people and societies have about marriage and divorce affect how satisfying people find being married. In communities where marriage is highly valued, husbands and wives get more from marriage than they would in a community where marriage is seen as a merely private matter.

People who are deeply committed to marriage as a lifelong vow have happier marriages not only because of what they do in their relationships, but because of what they think about being married in general. Read that sentence again.

Stated another way: the happiness you get from any role in life — being a parent, holding a job, being married — depends in part on how satisfying you find the day-to-day interactions and tasks. But it also depends on whether you see the role itself as important and valuable.

In general, we have many goals for our own marriages, and those of others: We want marriage to last, we want children to enjoy living with their own two married parents, we want these marriages to be happy, and we don’t want unhappily married people trapped in miserable lives.

Over the past 40 years, these goals have seemed to be in conflict: If we discourage divorce we create lasting marriages at the high cost of individual misery — almost certainly for adults and often for the children.

Based on the findings of this study, this conventional wisdom is untrue.

Does divorce typically make unhappily married people happier than staying married? No.

Does a firm commitment to staying married, even though unhappy, typically condemn adults to lifelong misery? No.

So, is divorce always wrong and staying married always right? The answer’s not so simple.

Both divorce and marriage initiate complex chains of events whose outcomes cannot be predicted with certainty at the outset.

But know this … marriages are not happy or unhappy — spouses are.

And with the passage of time, the feelings of people about their marriages can and do change.

A bad marriage and a good marriage is not always a fixed opposite, but the same marriage at two different points in time (or in the eyes of two different spouses).

Divorce may make an unhappy spouse happier, but there is no guarantee (and much doubt) that it will.

Marriage is no panacea, but neither is divorce.

To sum all this up: People and marriages are going to be happier in communities with a strong commitment to marital permanence. While some marriages are so destructive that divorce or separation is the best outcome, marriages are more likely to be both happy and stable when marriage is highly valued.
So,

Surround yourself with other married couples who value marriage as well.

Stick it out through the tough times.

And live life together with others.

It makes the ride so much more enjoyable along the way.